When my wife and I got married we both understood that communication was a big key to the success of our marriage. But I'm not sure that either of us understood how important a role it would play in the raising of our children. Now, fourteen years into our journey together, we are still learning how to communicate about various aspects of our relationship and I'm sure we will continue to learn more about each other until the day we are departed.
To further this point I'm not sure I comprehended the extent to which we would need to communicate about our kids with one another. As the kids have gotten older we are realizing how much we need to talk about various aspects of the kids lives with one another. Nevertheless, sometimes we parent independently of one another. For example I've told my son that he needs to do his homework immediately after school so that he will have time later to play with his friends. My wife has communicated to him that he can take a break for an hour after school before he starts his homework. When we communicate independent of one another we create division and confusion among our kids who are more than willing to exploit our differences. It's not that my wife and I can't resolve the differences. We can--and we do. I am learning to listen to her more frequently these days because she is the one who stays home with the kids. She has a better feel for what is going on in their lives on a daily basis. But it's too easy for me, in a moment of reaction, to formulate my opinion and quickly lay down the law without consulting with her. This kind of authoritarian rule can quickly lead to division not only with the kids but between my wife and I. And then there's my pride. When I make a rule or set an expectation without discussing it with her first I often find myself having to swallow my pride. Yuck, I hate the taste of crow.
So here's the bottom line...the more your kids know and SEE that you and your wife are on the same page the less of an opportunity they will have to exploit the differences. When there is stability and structure in the home and consistency in the parenting there is also a sense security that our kids can depend on.
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2 comments:
It's great to see your blog. This is wonderful.
I also want to add to your excellent point that when you and your wife communicate effectively you are modelling such great behavior for your kids. They grow up learning how to communicate better than most of us did, making their relationships just a little bit easier than we had them.
I know what you mean. What's a little frightening is that they might model our not so great behavior too. (sigh).
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