Talk About Your Kids With One Another

When my wife and I got married we both understood that communication was a big key to the success of our marriage. But I'm not sure that either of us understood how important a role it would play in the raising of our children. Now, fourteen years into our journey together, we are still learning how to communicate about various aspects of our relationship and I'm sure we will continue to learn more about each other until the day we are departed.

To further this point I'm not sure I comprehended the extent to which we would need to communicate about our kids with one another. As the kids have gotten older we are realizing how much we need to talk about various aspects of the kids lives with one another. Nevertheless, sometimes we parent independently of one another. For example I've told my son that he needs to do his homework immediately after school so that he will have time later to play with his friends. My wife has communicated to him that he can take a break for an hour after school before he starts his homework. When we communicate independent of one another we create division and confusion among our kids who are more than willing to exploit our differences. It's not that my wife and I can't resolve the differences. We can--and we do. I am learning to listen to her more frequently these days because she is the one who stays home with the kids. She has a better feel for what is going on in their lives on a daily basis. But it's too easy for me, in a moment of reaction, to formulate my opinion and quickly lay down the law without consulting with her. This kind of authoritarian rule can quickly lead to division not only with the kids but between my wife and I. And then there's my pride. When I make a rule or set an expectation without discussing it with her first I often find myself having to swallow my pride. Yuck, I hate the taste of crow.

So here's the bottom line...the more your kids know and SEE that you and your wife are on the same page the less of an opportunity they will have to exploit the differences. When there is stability and structure in the home and consistency in the parenting there is also a sense security that our kids can depend on.

She Needs Her Sleep

My family and I were out later than usual last night carving pumpkins with our home group. Consequently we didn't get home until after 10:00p. My wife called this afternoon and told me that my daughter is extremely irritable. At first I thought maybe my daughter was only trying to be controlling and manipulative with my wife but then I began to wonder about how much sleep kids need. So, I did a little research at various web sites on the topic of sleep. According to kidshealth.org kids who are school aged pre-teens need about 10 hours of sleep in a day. My daughter went to bed last night at about 10:30 p.m. but in the middle of the night she got out of her bed and came into our room (due to a bad dream) and then later on I sent her back to her bed earlier in the morning. This morning she woke up at 7:20 a.m. By factoring in the trips back and forth from her bedroom I'd say she got about 8 restful hours of sleep. Not enough.

If you are having problem with cranky kids please consider how much sleep they are getting. I recognize that every child is different but getting the right amount of sleep is very important to your child and can make all the difference in how your kids behave around you and others.

You Love Him More Than Me

My youngest son Luke sometimes feels jealous toward his older brother Jonathan. Of course he is only five years old. But, it seems like everytime Jonathan gets to do something that Luke can't my love for him is called into question.

It goes a little something like this:

Luke: Dad, do we have anything tonight?

Me: Yes, we have boy scouts tonight.

Luke: Is Jonathan going?

Me: Yes, Luke. Jonathan is going because he's in boy scouts.

Luke: I want to go. Can I go to?

Me: Well, yes, you can come along with us.

Luke: Can I do the flags tonight?

Me: No Luke that's only for the scouts.

Luke: Wahhhhhh! Dad, you don't love me. Everybody is against me. (Melt down ensues.)

So what's a dad to do? It's in moments like this that I just wish I could make everything right for the little guy. I wish I could tell Luke that he is going to get to help with the flags. Or, I wish he was old enough to be in Cub Scouts. But, ultimately I know better. I know what he really needs. He needs to know that disappointment is a normal part of every childs life. No, I don't want it to happen all the time and yes, I do want to spend special time just with him. But for now he needs to understand that, "into every life a little rain must fall."

I love you Luke...I really do.

How Consistent Are You?

As a parent it happens more times than I'd like to admit. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to avoid doing it. So I'm admitting it here on my blog. I send mixed messages to my kids on a fairly regular basis. For example:

• I ask my kids not to eat their food in the living room--yet I sometimes munch on a piece of toast as I try to catch the news on my way out the door.
• I ask my kids to pick up their shoes--yet I sometimes leave mine in the middle of the floor.
• I ask my kids to keep their room clean--yet my room is no model of cleanness either.
• I ask my kids to share with one another and to think of others--yet I often think of my own needs before thinking of theirs.

I'm not proud of these inconsistencies. But the fact that I am aware of them gives me something to work on. It's never too late to change. Are you sending mixed messages to your kids? Take some time to think about it. If you're not sure ask your kids they ususally don't have to think twice. Just be prepared to hear what they say.

No Sweat

My number #1 son has secretly aged without my permission. When did he go from a tiny toddler to a tall, handsome, joyful pubescent? What I mean is that I have suddenly become aware that the time has come for him to start taking showers everyday. Perhaps it's the fact that he's recently started into middle school. So when I requested that he take a shower this morning he protested, "I just need to take one every other day. I didn't have PE yesterday." Apparently he thinks that just because he is not sweating profusely there is no need to shower. I'm trying to explain to him that he is entering puberty and sweat glands are starting to develop and that he doesn't even have to try it just happens. But it's not that simple. There's an emotional shift that's occuring too. He's beginning to realize that his body is changing and I'm beginning to realize that my little boy is becoming a young man.

Do We Really Need All Of That?

Well we just got back from our weekend camping trip and I was wrong. We ended up packing a lot more than I thought was necessary. The trip up to the mountains was well worth it. When we arrived we found out the forest service was conducting 'controlled burns' and consequently there was a lot of smoke in and around our campgrounds. Eventually a gentle breeze blew out the smoke and the lake was pristine set amongst the mountainous backdrop.

But here's my question for all you parents of Scouts. Do we really need to pack so much stuff for one night in the outdoors. For example here's a list of what my son and I packed:

Tent with rain fly and a tarp
2 x sleeping bags
2 x blankets
5 x gallons water
3 pillows
2 fishing poles
1 x Tackle box
1 x storage bin filled with napkins, plates, plasticware, mosquito repellant, sun block, cutting board, griddle, matches, cooking oil, pancake batter.
1 x suitcase with a a change of clothes for each of us (which by the way we never did change our clothes.)
1 x toiletry bag (which by the way we never used.)

Food:

12 juice boxes
2 x boxes doughnuts
1 x bag of grated cheese
2 x bags of tortillas
2 x cans of refried beans
2 x bags of totilla chips
1 x jar salsa

Please don't get me wrong. We definitely NEEDED our jackets. It cooled down to a brisk 25 degrees at night. But a nice warm fire in our camp ground fire pit helped to keep our area cozy. It's rejuvinating to be in the outdoors but at the same time it seems to contradict the point of getting away from the creature comforts of home when you have nearly all the creature comforts with you.

Anyone else have thoughts on what camping should be? Let me know what you do when you go camping? Do you bring everything including the kitchen sink?

A Camping We Will Go!

Today I'm taking my 11 year old son who is in Boy Scouts up to the mountains. Our troop is planning an overnight camping trip. I'm guessing there will be about 20 kids and probably about 5 - 6 parents. The camping trips are always a lot of fun. The boys in each patrol do most of the planning for food and setting up the tents and since it's just an overnight trip we don't have to pack a lot gear. Usually a camp stove to cook on, utensils to eat our food with like a plastic knife, fork and spoon, a couple of warm sleeping bags, our tent, and a change of clothes. Once we are at the camp site the scouts usually practice some skill or work towards earning some badge of merit. Our troop usually plans one camping trip per month. We travel to various locations throughout the state. Most camp sites are easily reachable within 2-3 hours. Here in Idaho you can find some very primative and pristine locations without traveling far at all.

Scouting can be a lot of fun if you are willing to participate in the activities with your child. I think that's why I enjoy it so much. It really gives me an opportunity to connect with my child in an activity that is away from the distractions of home and in an entirely different setting. The time spent with the other adults is always rewarding. In these settings the kids become dependent on one another which really encourages them to form and cement relationhips that can last a lifetime.

What's Your Family Tradition

It's nearing that time of the year again. I know Halloween is already upon us but I'm thinking ahead. What do you and your family do as part of your Thanksgiving tradition? Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite times of the year. Of course there's the whole process of preparing the meal...the pies, the gravy, the turkey, the carving.

The carving of the turkey has become a big deal at our house. Typically it's been my job or my father-in-law's job to carve the turkey. Now my 11 year old thinks it's tie for him to give it a go. No way am I putting a carving knife in my 11 year olds hands. Vetoed!

When we have Thanksgiving at our home we all sit around the table and just before we eat we share about what we are thankful for. Nothing fancy just a simple..."I'm thankful for the snow on the ground" or if someone's feeling particularly inspired they might write a poem and share it at the dinner table. Then we feast and man what a feast it is. Then we watch the football games...then we all succumb to the mesmerizing spell of the turkey and fall asleep. After our nap some of us will go outside and play for awhile and when it gets dark we come back in and feast some more on turkey sandwiches. Then there's usually something good on TV to watch that evening so we'll all gather round the television and share a movie together. Or if there's nothing good on then we'll rent a DVD.

What I remember most about thanksgiving was the incredibly powerful smell of the turkey, gravy, and mashed taters...and not being able to eat until everything was ready and everyone had arrived. There was always someone who was ten or fifteen minutes late.

Do you recall memories for your Thanksgivings past? What are you doing to build memories for your own kids?

I wish you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving Day. Don't forget the real meaning behind the season. Be thankful!!

As a father of 3 children I am constantly challenged with being and staying connected with my kids. Each one vying for my attention the minute I walk through the door. But my day doesn't end when I walk through the door. In any given week the following responsibilities are a part of my life on a regular basis: cub scouts, awanas, church homegroup, church leadership meeting, accountability group, etc.

Remember Karate Kid? In the movie Daniel wants to be totally devoted to karate. But, Mr. Miyagi explains to Daniel that he needs balance in his life. "Wax On...Wax Off. Balance Danielsan!" And it's just like that in the life of being a parent. Each child needs attention and each one needs different kinds of attention. But how do you find the balance with so many activities? The answer is...keep your kids involved with you.

When I volunteered to lead the cub scout den it was because my son wanted to be a cub scout and no one else was available at the time. I reasoned that since scouting is a family activity and since I would be closely involved with what my son would be doing I might as well help out by becoming a den leader. It's a great way to stay connected and I know that he will never forget these early years in scouts. Sure, I could do other things with my time but this is time well spent because I am staying connected.

My four and five year old were involved in a church program called Awana's. I volunteered to help out as an "Cubbies" leader because it was important to me to see my kids learn about God. The church needed help and I was available so, once again, I reasoned, why not do something that's helpful and keeps me engaged and connected with my kids?

Then of course there are my responsibilities to my marriage. My wife wants my time and attention too. More balance. If my marriage is not in balance then the whole house of cards will easily crumble. When possible the kids need the stability of a mom and a dad in the home. In my personal opinion too many women are turning their attention to their kids and making the kids the center of their worlds because they are not getting the attention they needs from their husband. This is a big mistake and can ultimately lead to real relationship problems once the kids are older and less dependent on mom. If you are mom in this situation let me encourage you to sit down with your husband and let him know that your cup is not being filled. If you are man and you aren't sure if your wife's cup is being filled--ask her. It's all about balance and staying connected. Don't let the urgency of life drain your cup to the dregs.

Who Taught My Kids How To Lie?

As most new parents quickly discover the act of telling a lie is not learned. You don't have to teach your children to cover up their tracks. You don't have to teach them to blame someone else. It just comes naturally.

Yesterday, while we were on our way home from church my youngest son who is nearly 5 years old told me that his sister had stolen a cookie that had been given to him in his sunday school class. When I pressed the two children I discovered that the entire story was a lie. In truth, he had dropped his cookie on the floor--it crumbled and so he picked up the pieces and threw them away. But he blamed his sister so that he could get another cookie. He finally admitted that if we thought it was stolen then we would replace it. But, if we found out that he had dropped it then we would not be so sympathetic.

So, I put this question to you dear reader--who taught him to lie? Is this a learned experience? I'm here to testify it is not. Having seen all three of my children progress through various phases of lying, cheating, and stealing I'm convinced these are innate behaviors--instilled at birth. These behaviors are rooted in self preservation and protection. The mind is increasingly capable with age of conjouring ever more complex tales in order to protect and preserve itself.

Don't be surprised when your children start spinning tales of their own. Lying, stealing and cheating are part of every normal child's development. Children may also lie to avoid being punished or because they are imitating adult behavior.

This doesn't mean that you should allow or ignore this type of behavior. Instead, use these opportunities to begin to teach your child the difference between right and wrong. As a parent it's important to encourage your child when they tell the truth and avoid punishing your child too severely when they lie a first and then finally confess for any misdeeds. A reward or a positive response like, "thank you for telling me the truth" Is much more likely to elicit the same behavior in the future. But in the short term do not be surprised when your children either stretch or outright conjour up tales that simply do not exist or deny what you saw with your own two eyes.

Be Inspired By The Strongest Dad In The World

This is an incredible story.

Waiting Until the Bedtime to Ask the Deep Questions of Life

"Daddy, why is the sky blue?"

"Meg, go to sleep please. It's time for lights out."

"Daddy, I need to ask you something really important--am I still your princess even when you are mad a me?"

"Yes, Meg, you are still my princess--now please go to sleep."

"Daddy, will you sing the skies are blue song?"

"Not now Meg, it's time to close your eyes and go to sleeep. Good night."

"Daddy will you read us another book?"

"Luke, we already read our books for tonight."

"Daddy, my bed's not made will you please make it? I can't sleep on a messy bed."

Silence.

"Daddy, we need a glass of water--will you get it?"

Darn, she's right. I did forget the water. How did this water ritual start anyway?

"Water Dad, please?

"I'm getting it Meg."

"Gulp, gulp, gulp."

Okay Meg and Luke it's really time to go to sleep.

"Don't forget we have to pray Daddy."

Silence and feelings of frustration and humility.

"Yes Meg, you are right let's pray."

If you are a parent you probably know what I mean. All day long you've been hanging out with your kids--riding in the car with them--maybe walking them to school--maybe playing with them--whatever. During these times none of the really important questions ever seem to come up. You see when you actually have time to focus on them they are off doing anything else but listening to you. But as soon as bedtime rolls around it's like a switch is flipped in their little brain and the deep questions of life start pouring out.

When I was a child I believe my parents called these "stall tactics." When will we ever learn?

"I love you Daddy."

Middle School Mean's Getting Up Early

My son transitioned this school year from elementary (5th grade) to middle school (6th grade) and that, among many things, means getting up early. He's always been an early riser but now he is up at 6:00 a.m. to catch the bus at 7:00 a.m.

I actually don't mind getting up at 6:00 a.m. but it wasn't until my wife gently informed me that she thought that he might be feeling lonely and isolated because he was the only one getting up so early. Amoong his responsibilities in the morning he takes a shower, makes his own breakfast, loads or unloads the dishwasher, makes his own bed, and and watches television all by himself in the morning.

I agreed with my wife although I'm not sure I would have recognized the isolation problem on my own. Ahh, but now as I think on it that's part of the beauty in a marriage. Each one compliments the other. I'm glad my wife was perceptive enough to recognize the void and gracious in telling me bout it. So, now I get up at 6:00 a.m. with him. I take a shower and get myself ready. Around about 6:45 a.m. we both sit down and spend 5-10 minutes together reading the Bible. Currently we are reading through the book of Job. At the end of our reading time we reflect on what we read and then ask each other questions about what we read. It's a great opportunity for us to spend some quality time together in the morning. This relatively quiet time together each morning is a great opportunity for us to communicate with each other.

If you are not already doing it I highly recommend getting up with your kids and spending a little bit of time with them before they rush off in the morning. I recognize that some of you are already doing this. Perhaps you have other traditions or shared commonalities. Why not share your ideas with others who read this blog. If you are not taking advantage of this time I'd really like to encourage you to do it.